Miscellaneous Poetry
CHRISTMAS PAST
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BIRTHDAYS

How wonderful to journey
Without going anywhere.
My boobs have relocated south
To avoid the winter air.

My hips have also moved;
Traveling far and wide.
Aging really stinks;
And I don't always take it in stride.

The horror first reflected in the mirror
When I discover my face is sagging.
The only thing that could be worse
Is finding a rear that's dragging.

Overnight lumps and bumps emerge;
And I'm angered to no end.
The appearance of these nodules
I do not comprehend.

The "pooch" becomes a paunch.
No exercise eases the protrusion.
I suck it in as much as I can
And believe the resulting illusion.

Hair starts growing in odd places.
I get exasperated and mad.
I can hide in my room for days, come out
And people mistake me for dad.

Asking someone the age question
Leads to a veritable jam.
I'm fearful when they estimate my age,
They'll guess I'm older than I am.

It may be time to accept changes;
But acceptance is agonizingly slow.
I'm disgusted that part of my body travels
Where the rest of me can't go.

It's a no win situation.
That's about all I can say.
We must go about our daily lives
And pretend we are far away.

A moment in the sun...
Oh, what does it matter!
Sneeze a couple of times
And there goes the bladder.

A close scrutiny in the mirror,
A wrinkle!  Well, shut my mouth!
Like the birds in winter
My whole body's going south.

There are things for which to be grateful.
At least no liver spots here;
But buy that fade cream anyway,
Let's get'em before they appear.

Dragging out the aerobic videos.
Just got to get into shape.
Unfortunately I'm all pooped out
Long before the end of the tape.

The stories we tell are from long ago.
Yup, middle age is a gas.
The only excitement we have these days
Is reliving memories from the past.

TO MY OLD (BUT YOUNG) FRIEND

Birthdays! A supposed celebration of life.
The fool making that remark was certainly misled.
Celebrate being broke, exhausted depressed?
Why it's all I can do to get out of bed!

Why is everyone so curious about age?
What difference does it make?
Just because last we were fifty,
And now we're turning thirty eight.

When did our exuberance slip away?
When did passion for life turn to dread?
Why am I asking these stupid questions?
Is the Alzheimer already in my head?

If someone should have the audacity to ask,
Obviously someone sick and twisted;
Tell them age is just a number,
And let'em know that your is unlisted.

SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO

Cheer up! Glory days are still ahead.
No, I don't mean like Quasimodo.
Just close your eyes and click your heels;
It worked for Dorothy and Toto.

Sure it sounds outrageous.
Sure you're looking aghast.
But the good years gotta be the future
Cause it certainly ain't out past.

We'll have the comfort of our sons
Under whose care we shall thrive.
They'll call us on the holidays
To confirm we're still alive.

In two years truly good news.
When you think life is hard
We will trot right over to Ames
And apply for that discount card.

We'll get special privileges
Just because we're old.
Elderly men will ogle us
And say we're something to behold.

We'll be wise and all knowing.
We'll give unsolicited advice.
We will have become our parents.
Isn't that an awful price!

We're women and we're strong
Though underpaid, I do declare.
But we've got something to look forward to;
They call it Medicare.

SOUND ADVICE ON YOUR BIRTHDAY

The psychic on the hotline
Yelled, "Lawdy! Landsakes alive!
Ain't you gotta friend?
And ain't she fifty five?"
I was struck dumb with awe
Wondering how she knew
That the golden years were approaching
And there's so little we could do.
Sure we could discuss it at length
In hushed tones and silent tears;
But I've found the best way to cope
Is to shave off several years.
It someone should mention the 60's,
Admit not you were in your prime.
Just say although you read about it
It was really before your time.
Buy retinol for wrinkles;
Apply cucumbers over puffy eyes,
And I cannot stress enough
The need to moisturize.
Remember to exercise those butt cheeks.
They must be tightly packed.
Can't keep the train a-running
If the caboose falls off the track.
So happy birthday, girlie.
I'm finally ending this speech.
Nor I must run off
To practice what I preach.

PAM'S BIRTHDAY

It is really the big five uh-oh?
Can this really be?
Wasn't it just last week
That we were young and free.

Dreaming dreams of happiness;
Dreams that were big and bold.
Don't know when it happened.
When did we grow old?

But age has little meaning;
It's the spirit, it's the heart
That allows us to cope with setbacks
And guides us to a new start.

The task is never simple.
Life's obstacles never far away,
But I wish you every happiness
On this your special day.
 

BROTHER DEAR

Happy Birthday, brother dear.
Today you're fifty three.
Hope you've overcome those feelings
Of wanting to strangle me.

Childhood memories still crystal clear,
Like wrestling on the kitchen floor.
And remember that occasional smack on the head?
Well, that's what little sisters are for.

Killing a summer night with homerun derby.
A sigh of relief from mom
Because it meant we weren't killing each other.
Isn't it amazing she stayed so calm.

The pride I felt when my friends spoke.
They all though you so handsome and cute.
You may have had the looks and charm,
But I was much more astute.

I imagine we're now considered middle aged.
Youth flew by while we were looking the other way.
But I still see us as spirited and full of life,
Just the pace a little slower than yesterday.

BROTHER ON TURNING SIXTY

So you've just turned sixty!
Well try not to fold.
It was inevitable, unavoidable
That eventually you would grow old.

With your wrinkles more prominent
And with you hair going gray,
You will discover those aches and pains
Are forever here to stay.

Social Security is around the corner;
And, yes, it is something to fear.
The annual COLA increase
Is hardly enough to purchase a beer.

But you will still be able to stop
At the place I most adore;
So I guess I'll be seeing you soon
At the local dollar store.

So hold your head up high, brother dearest.
Relish your day in the sun.
Cause the good Lord knows and so do we
That you'll never again be this young.
 

Many good birthday wishes.
You know how it goes,
Had to take a defensive driving course
With a bunch of old hags and crows.
That's why these greetings are late;
I truly did not forget.
So unwrinkle that furrowed brow;
No need to worry or fret.
Though our little noses are runny,
For we are in a deep deep freeze,
Hope your day went smoothly
And you survived it with great ease.
I've enclosed a couple of scratch offs.
Perhaps a little something to leave the heir.
The only think I know for certain:
It won't make you a millionaire.

There will be no artistic endeavors this time.
My mind is out of ink.
You'll have to settle for this card
Until once again I can think.
I hate to admit I'm weak.
It's nothing that I sought.
But the truth is that I'm so weak
I cannot even carry a thought.
Happy Birthday just the same.
May your day be of good cheer.
May you win enough in the lottery
To pay off one of my mortgages this year.
(With a little left over for yourself, of course.)